Relationships

What Does Love Look Like?

(6-7 minute read).

After work, I often take refuge in my truck. I throw my bag in the back seat, grab my sunglasses, and turn the radio on.

Classic rock reminds me of Dad tinkering around in the garage, fixing his truck or tractor, saving old toys, re-working baseball gloves. Like a surgeon at the tool bench, he delicately superglued all kinds of stuff back together. ZZ Top would play in the back ground.

My own three boys have seen Pops meticulously working on Nerf guns or balsa wood airplanes just to give them a few more rounds of fun. He’s a pediatrician, after all, and has been in the business of remedy for forty years. Broken bones, colds, and ingrown toenails are just part of his game. He restores things.

Recently, I heard an old anti-war song from the sixties. The familiar lyrics ring:

What the world needs now is love, sweet love.
It’s the only thing that there's just too little of.

What a simple lyric! If you slow down and really listen, the amount of suffering and relational pain in the world has been overwhelmingly loud, especially during both the COVID years and the Ukraine War. We are no doubt bombarded with troublesome news at every turn.

In my work as a marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen that families can be war-zones of infidelity, addiction, and divorce. The clanging voices of anti-love abound there also. Clients often share stories of abuse, betrayal, selfishness, or deceit. The innocent carry secret sorrows unseen. Many people confess church-hurt and spiritual abuse. These are invisible wounds that are too deep for words. Clients will ask questions like, “Will God hurt me, manipulate me, or shame me like my pastor did?” With all our pain, we long for someone to comfort us.

To live without hurt in this life is a fairytale. None of us can control when disappointment or tragedy will strike. We cannot persuade heartache to leave our lives, but we can control how we love.

What does love look like?

Preachers can preach, dating podcasts can drop, and very seasoned therapists can give clients research-based tools, but without the consistent hard work of genuine love between two people, true connection and comfort cannot happen. There is no love substitute. Love heals and restores. It touches us deeply in the cracks of our lives.

People know if we really love them or not. We can’t fake it.

Scripture tells us about God’s abounding love. The kind of love that Christ preaches in the gospels is unique. 1 John 4:19 reminds us that “we love because he first loved us”—and this love doesn’t keep score or make transactions. It both risks and guards. It is selfless, yet not completely devoid of self.

The way we love matters. While stories of pain and suffering are increasingly abundant, we each have an opportunity to love in small ways.

1. What does it look like to love myself?

Is it weird to start here?

To be clear, I’m not talking about self-worship—no. Definitely not. The difference is: worshiping self is putting your life, schedule, wants, and desires above everyone else’s—all the time. Loving oneself is about stewarding one’s life for the benefit of others and unto the Lord. For the Christian, it is paying attention to our strengths and weaknesses, remembering our bodies are sacred spaces for the Spirit of God.

We must rethink how to steward our time and energy. Some people need to slow down because they are overachievers, while others need to get off the couch and throw away the potato chips. There is a spectrum here. Wherever we land on the graph, there’s probably something to adjust.

The practice of “habit stacking” makes a good launching point for change. One small step at a time can bring our healthy goals to life. Take baths, listen to music, go on walks, bike with a friend, dust off an old hobby, or even treat yourself to a massage. A little bit of rest goes a long way. We can create healthy routines and rhythms that serve our own mental and emotional health. What is unnecessary or trivial? Just say no.

We should listen to the needs of our hearts and make small changes to our schedules. Ask yourself: do you need refreshment, or must you really attend this event? Is it a requirement, or have you over-committed yourself? Loving the self means creating enough margin in the calendar to have energy for the most important people in our lives.

We need to grow in understanding our own boundaries and limits. It may look like taking a day off, or simply avoiding work on the weekends. It could be developing good sleep hygiene, like going to bed earlier or getting off social media entirely to reallocate resources to real places. For myself, I’ve been away from Facebook for the last eighteen months. It has been a much-needed adjustment.

Self-compassion is rare. What does the person in the mirror need? Loving self is important work, and it is different than self-absorption. In loving the self, we can grow in humility and embrace a lifelong journey of transformation. Soul care is a huge part of what I’m talking about; it is more than rest on the weekends, it is a spiritual understanding of what we most need—God himself.

Christ encourages us to love God fully and also to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. This is a paradox, a revealed mystery. We may know how to fulfill a religious obligation out of duty or even faithfully serve in a ministry, yet there is a daily responsibility to prayerfully steward our callings, work, and rest.

We must dance to God’s heavenly rhythms while we pour out our lives as a deep sacrifice for the honor and care of others.

2. What does it look like to love someone else?

Here we must tap into our physical strength—digging into our inner resources: our time, skills, and most importantly our affection for others. The hardship we all endure is exhausting. Parenting is hard. Marriage is difficult. Dating is tiresome and the single life is tiresome for many. Grief and trauma are complex.

All of the relationships we have with friends and family require work. Relationships are not for the faint of heart. As with a garden, we must weed and plant them, water and prune them. It takes a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to have healthy relationships. Love is remembering the small ways someone else receives love.

Call a friend you’ve not seen in a while, and ask that person, “How are you, really?” Take a moment to engage with them directly, and schedule something together. You could buy a card, have a friend over for dinner, help with a project, or deliver a cup of coffee to someone.

Love especially looks like thoughtfulness with your ears.

Empathic listening is a significant tool we can use to love one another. It must be an active listening that responds with more than a head nod. That may sound like, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m with you in this,” or, “When I put myself in your shoes, that makes sense.” You could say, “Tell me more, I want to be a safe place for you to share.” To be ‘with’ someone is more helpful than ‘fixing’ them when they don’t want your advice.

Love also looks like listening with your eyes, your body language, and your heart.

In regards to our actions, we may need to take ownership of selfish, me-me-me schedules, or evaluate an addiction that drains the soul and steals intimacy in a relationship. Porn, wine, weed, work, or social media are sometimes the leeches that prevent us from enjoying deeper intimacy. Usually, growth is painful—we can take ownership of our part to play and not give up.

Marriages do well to use a language of love that says, “We make a good team!” “I’m thankful for you, darling,” or “How can I support you through this hard season?” In a recent therapy session, one spouse said with tears in his eyes, “I would not want to go through hard times with anyone else but you.” For example, husbands can serve and love their wives in new, creative ways, responsibly sharing chores and parenting duties. They can also communicate in more gentle, caring ways. Men would do well to provide plenty of validating non-sexual touch and plan romantic getaways and dates.

A timely kiss on the check, a hug, or an encouraging word matters. Try it.

Men can also learn to take their armor off and chance being known (miracles can happen). It's scary at first, but it’s always better than pretending. Emotional intimacy communicates, “You’re safe enough for connection. I trust you enough for my heart to come out of hiding.” One of my favorite authors, Dan Allender, encourages spouses to have openness, curiosity, and kindness with one another—fine ingredients in a marriage.

Also, a wife may need to remind herself of good things happening and decrease her critical voice. Gratitude can change those poop-colored glasses back to a more realistic view of your partner. This goes for husbands too. We must avoid negative filtering. For example, the blame game of ‘always/never’ language will destroy teamwork. After all, our spouses are human too. Women may need instead to encourage their husband’s efforts at parenting, job-searching, coaching, or finances. Furthermore, both men and women can learn to celebrate the differences of sexual intimacy needs. Oh, how different they are (a whole other topic)!

Lastly, we must evaluate our expectations and our preferences. Loving others looks like considering someone else’s likes or dislikes. Maybe eat at your spouse’s favorite place instead of your own. Turn the AC a little warmer or a little cooler. Where can you meet in the middle? Compromise is an essential ingredient in all of our relationships. What does a coworker need? What kind of book does your friend like? What games do your children like? How can you love your family with your hands and feet? Get off your ass and love someone intentionally!

There will always be tension. We are human. Our connection to one another is wonderful and difficult at the same time. We must hold our expectations loosely, and hold on to hope too. We can learn to support others, wait for them, and yield to one another. To quote Sheriff Hopper from Stranger Things, compromise means we will be “halfway happy” at times.

Connection and togetherness take effort! We weren’t meant to do this life alone. We need love.

The broken places in our lives may seem unfixable, but we can’t redeem something unless we boldly name what’s broken. The world we live in is a broken one. Things get moldy, torn, rusty, and frayed, and we must get our hands dirty, and engage our hearts, to mend them.

From a Christian worldview, there is hope in the darkest part of the night—Jesus is coming back to make all things new. He’s coming to restore things with his supernatural love. Our work of continual mending here may seem small, but our inner struggle to love, forgive, and reconcile can go a long, long way, like a dab of superglue on a model plane.

Ask yourself: “What does love look like today?” The world needs more love. Tinker around your life, and see what you can redeem.

Written by Jarrod Justice
Edited by Adam Whipple

Is Porn Really a Problem? Act out or Reach out.

Pornography.

Named the “new drug” by some, and deemed an old addiction by others—whatever you want to call it—porn is literally everywhere.

In August of 2015, research by the Barna Group indicated that more teens and young adults think that “not recycling” is worse than viewing porn. Shocking or not shocking?

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Several months ago I was mowing, and I noticed a piece of paper on the edge of my yard. Thinking it was probably just a candy-bar wrapper, or simply an old receipt, I grabbed the litter, but to my surprise it was part of an X-rated DVD cover. 

It immediately went in the trash.

I was angry that these images had invaded my yard where my boys play tag and baseball. I’m glad they didn’t find it, that day. In the overtly sexualized culture we live in, they will eventually stumble upon it (if they haven’t already), and they too will have the choice to throw it away or not.

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No one is perfect. We are all on an imperfect journey toward healthy sexuality.

I have my own brokenness in this area. I’ve really struggled at times. When the internet became readily available on our computers and phones, things changed for all of us. The monster has grown beyond magazines and the back isles of Blockbuster. Since the late nineties, internet porn has clawed at our ankles.

For me, it has taken intentional accountability, a porn-free environment at home, fortifying my electronic devices (being smart with my smart-phone), continual vulnerability, and the ointment of grace and truth from friends. Not to mention, encouragement and support from my wife.

I’m a wounded healer in this area.

Marriages are on a lifeline. Churches are in crisis. And the sexuality of a generation is being marred by porn—we’re glued to the images of false intimacy. Extra-marital affairs, sexting, and hidden sexual addictions are rampant—destroying relationships all around us.

As a therapist, I work with many men in my counseling office who struggle with their sexual behaviors when they’re hurting, lonely, or bored. And the fact that pornography is free, easy to access, and often a cellphone-secret—it has become an easy snare for a vast number of men (and women). 

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Last year (the Fall of 2018) Dr. David Hall and I started our first Real Connection Men’s Group. For about seven months we met weekly with a few men in group therapy to address these issues. These men grew in their vulnerability, relationships, and sobriety. We didn’t obtain perfection at the end of it, but there was growth—and a fresh weekly commitment to not go at it alone. 

We learned that we had to reach out for a real connection to others—and our group mantra was “reach out or act out.”

The battle against porn is worth the fight.

Jarrod

This spring we are offering another Real Connection Men’s Group for up to 8 men. For more information visit: https://www.havenpsychiatry.com/real-connection-men-s-group.

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A Fresh Valentine's Date - Friendship and Romance

Dear Romeo and Juliet,

Is there sweet love in the air? Or maybe the foul stench of a recent fight? 

Whatever the atmosphere of your relationship, if you need a fresh Valentine’s Day date (and a more romantic year for that matter)—here are some important ingredients that can spice up your night together.

A good date needs friendship and romance. 

If you lack one or the other, things can become unbalanced—like adding too much salt or pepper. Companionship is foundational. Focus on the friendship-ingredient first. Your significant other has the need for fun, laughter, and connection. 

You may like similar things (that’s great), but learn to expand your menu. In the midst of trying different flavors, you can enjoy a deeper bond with your partner.

Does your Valentine like a certain kind of music, restaurant, or drink? Maybe it’s the outdoors or a particular sport; it could be shopping, a puzzle, or a movie. Think about what makes them come alive, and incorporate their unique world into your date.

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Relationships can be like the weather—complex and mysterious.

For the dating couple, it’s more than kissing on the couch. And for the married ones, it’s more than another dinner and a movie at home. First, each individual is responsible for developing safety and trust in the relationship. 

Can I trust you to treat me as an equal? Is it safe to share my opinions and interests? Will you validate my thoughts, emotions, and longings—even if we disagree? Learn to say, “That makes sense” or “I hear you saying that you’re tired, afraid, or sad—what do you need right now?”

When deeper levels of safety and trust exist between two people—then, vulnerability and intimacy can grow over time. (Fair communication, healthy conflict resolution, as well as sacrifice and compromise go a long way). Stir those things into the dough.

Getting to know your partner is an adventure.

Romance requires an investment; learn more about who they are. And that can be a full time job, especially in the daily grind of marriage. Your partner is a galaxy worth exploring; behind all the stress, tears, smiles, and frowns there is still more to discover about them (even after years in a marriage). 

Learn to ask, “What are you feeling right now?” Or “Is there anything you want me to understand about your world?” Take a risk and ask a question—or tell a story.

John Gottman, researcher and relationship expert, talks about building “love maps”—where couples can develop deeper fondness and admiration for one another. What’s important to them? What are their dreams? Who are the people and places closest to their heart? For a fun love map exercise to print and take with you on your date, click this link and look for the blue bookmark.

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Husbands and wives, pay attention to the accelerators and brakes.

Here we go—bad breath is a brake, and a kind word is an accelerator. Notice the nuances of your partner’s preferences. The little things add up. What worked last year, might be old news. (Preferences are different than being particular by the way).

A relationship drowns when only one person gets a voice. So, give some balance to the force and encourage each other to speak up about what you like and dislike.

On a deeper note for married couples:

We can each learn to courageously share our raw emotions. Are you angry, sad, afraid, lonely, or hurt? Emotional intimacy and verbal affirmation are important for romantic connection. As Dan Allender says, “be open, curious, and kind” in your conversations.

When you give your spouse your undivided attention and care, they will feel valued and appreciated—especially when our work, kids, or projects consume our time (most of the time). 

We all have different accelerators and brakes when it comes to sex. It’s a brave endeavor to share what arouses you—or learn what your spouse desires in the bedroom. If you haven’t initiated in a while, you could lovingly initiate a tender kiss, a foot massage, or even risk together—and talk about the hanky-panky you’re each hoping for. 

Here are some fresh ideas to stir up the passion and start a fire that lasts.

1. Men, affirm your lady’s beauty. (Go for inside & out attraction here, fellas).

2. Women, encourage your guy’s strengths. (It helps when you remind us—it’s easy to forget).

3. Try softer kisses and longer hugs. Slow things down or speed things up. 

4. Honor the woman’s need for home and security.

5. Value the man’s need for adventure and novelty.

6. Read poetry together, listen to some Miles Davis, or hold hands in an art museum.

7. Have you looked into your partner’s eyes recently? (Open up your soul through eye contact).

Hope you have some amazing date nights in your near future!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

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